Hello Amorous Congress-Stick

The formation is a big hit with visitors to Abel Tasman National Park on the South Island of New Zealand. It is just one of the highlights in the park, which was founded in 1942, 300 years after Dutch seafarer Abel Tasman became the first European to visit New Zealand. Tourists are lured by golden sandy beaches and rocky outcrops and the likelihood of spotting many birds.

***I want to see this one day.***

…this is my plan.

I’m going to be featured in the ‘What it means to be a modern dad in 2020’ article, for all the right reasons.  

…this is my plan.

…I know I am proud of them.

As a child, Judy (my mother) would wake me up to watch the Macy’s Day Parade.  It was a tradition I assumed she carried from her childhood and was instilling with me.  As I got older, our (okay…mostly mine) ‘thing’ was to search and count out the number of marching bass clarinets throughout the parade.  One of the saddest Thanksgivings was when we could not find one.  This memory is one of the few I hold close to my heart from her.  I am thankful for her in that regard…because it’s a tradition I have continued post departure from my nuclear family almost 11 years ago…and it’s a tradition I cannot wait to share with my husband and children in the future.

With the last couple of years playing out as they have, I’ve achieved a new level of myself…one where I can actually let people in more.  It’s great being the guy people come to for help, advice, or just a fun shared philosophy…but there was a time in my past where I did not welcome that from my loved ones.  Well…more, I was extremely uncomfortable when it was reciprocated, and it caused me to withdrawal to myself because I felt like I did not deserve it.  I’ve changed in that aspect…it took a lot to get here too.  I pushed friends to the dark, undermined romance…it wasn’t until I got seriously ill, where I reached a point of exhaustion from separating myself and isolating myself from having love returned to me as I give it to others.  Alisa was a rude wake up call to that…  I’ve always been appreciative with the love I have been gifted with in life since starting my own life at 16.  But a year ago, when I was forced to look at how I was (in some ways) abusing my friendships because I would not let them return what I offered…I found a incredible and deeper level of love and friendship with the people I’ve grown trust, enough so to let in.  I am beyond blessed to have the differing but same relationships within a great network, of what makes up my family.  They all add something which makes for a better me…especially now that I don’t hold reservations to them.  

Granted, today is a day we are to be thankful for…a reflection of the year and the people/things/events which made it grand.  I try my best to keep the ‘thanks’ throughout the year…which is why today my present self came with ‘thanks’.

Today, what I have been most grateful for has been my morning and afternoon with my boy.  I knew I did not have anywhere to go for today, so I promised him I would stop by and play some games and bring my bass clarinet.  (Please note: I do not play for people one on one…like even with past boyfriends, I always had to leave the house and go to a practice room on campus.)  

I got up this morning, and thought I would treat him with some hot chocolate from Starbucks (which was our little secret from the nurses).  I brought him his treat, sipped my coffee, and I started to set up scrabble when he says to me, ‘Dr. Pätrick, aren’t you going to miss your parade?’  He insisted we watch.  He then tried to point out what he thought were bass clarinets.  This is when I got my case, and opened it up.  He looked like I was opening some sort of magic treasure chest.  I was asked if he could play it…and entertained the request.  I’ve only let one other person ever play my horn…and I’ve owned this particular one for 6 years now…My usual ‘OMG, do you know how much this costs?!  No, you cannot even hold it’ panic was not present…and I honestly think he could have dropped it on the ground, and I would not have cared.  He sat up in the bed, and I helped him hold it as he squeaked and squawked my horn like I’ve never heard.  But the joy in him at that moment made it beautiful.  

This is when I gave my first music lesson, in many years (back when I was teaching bassoon…yeah, THAT long ago).  His cheeks puffed out, as mine once did, trying to support the amount of air to hold a real tone.  Eventually we settled on a concert F…and when we were done he had F, E, and D down!  I sat back and we chatted.  (After all, he’s a little man with an old soul.)  He even picked out an actual bass clarinet from the parade (final count: 6).  He said he was happy I came because he woke up this morning and was lonely with the lights up and no current roommate.  We chatted about his family, how he wants to be a ‘scuba diver who takes pictures’ when he grows up, he asked me if I was going to marry a boy one day and have a family (which I found remarkable about him openly talking about it with such normalcy), we talked about our dogs, and just random things.  A lot of today’s ‘grown’ society could learn a lot from this 8 year old.  This morning he needed me…and in a weird way…I needed him.   

I got the biggest, most full hug from him and he was sent off for treatment (‘yes’, even on Thanksgiving *sadface*).   I tossed out his empty cup as I saw his parents walking down the hallway.  They wished me a Happy Thanksgiving, as I did in return.  His father then gave me a hug, and told me how his son ‘talks about [me] all the time’ and ‘[I] am something he looks forward to in his week’.  That very moment just consumed me with such a range of expansively great emotions.  All I could do was mutter out, ‘You’ve done a great job as parents.  You should be proud.’

…I know I am proud of them.

***Ummmmmmmm…these are ADORABLE!  I need to remember to look back to this for fun Thanksgiving creations with my kids one day.***

…well, baby they’re tumblin’ down.

Through my last three weeks of torture (which are finally over as of today.  Woot!), I’ve been told by a few random people how they can feel the walls/guard I build up around me.  Limits are respected, but a common theme is confusion over me seemingly comfortable with knowing why and what the walls are for.

I will say…this is true.  I do know I build walls in all areas of my life, meant to keep some out…but also to keep some in.  However, one person addressed it on a personal romance level with me…and it just pushed a few buttons.  I’ve felt like I am in a place to handle something big…to wake up someone that shakes my core in every excited/happy/longing/warmest way possible.  I don’t know how to make that connect with someone, so I avoid it.  I tell myself I am waiting for it to come to me, but it’s not.  I also feel like that junior high kid, who wants to ask ‘Johnny’ to the dance, but is afraid of him saying, ‘no’, so I don’t ask.  But without asking, I am not allowing for the, ‘yes’.  I am afraid…but I grew up living a lot of my childhood in fear.  I’ve gone on, trying to structure my life without fear.  

It’s time to tackle it…it’s time for love in a more intimate way than I’ve had in my life in the last three years.  Though I’ve been told of these noticed ‘walls’…In the last three weeks, I’ve also been pleasantly reminded of what I am capable of feeling/being.  It’s time to be bold, take charge, and claim what I deserve for myself.  I found a way to let you in…

Remember those walls I built?

…well, baby they’re tumblin’ down.

…tribulations of husband hunting.

I’ve been keeping to my promise of being proactive in my search for a future spouse (eg: the one date a month minimum)…lol, going strong with one date at the end of last month and one at the beginning of this.  In a cynical way, I am glad June’s requirement is fulfilled.  LOL!  I don’t think I am acclimated to the idea of dating just yet; too many tribulations of husband hunting.  However I am being told in the stage of life I’m at, this is the best way to actually get to what ideal relationship I want…

I look forward to the day I look back to this whole thought and reflection of this process/phase.  I also hope to feel comfortable enough to laugh about this whole experience and share low highlights with my husband and friends.  (right now- it’s.not.funny.)

While I look forward to the aforementioned, I moreso look forward the random affectionate moments together which warrant no explanation other than ‘I love you’…to waking up mornings and having someone to cook breakfast for…and later dinner…someone to make sure has an umbrella in their car in the event it rains contrary to the day’s forecast…going out in the winter mornings to scrape the snow off his car and get it all warmed up for him…decorating the house together for Christmas and sharing other holidays as we make our own traditions…visiting our families, as a family.