Hello Amorous Congress-Stick

Oh...

1. Doop: you're in the way of where the buses usually line up
2. Me: Oh. There are a ton of 'special' buses here. What's up with that?
3. Doop: I work at ICDSN...Institute of Child Development with Special Needs
4. Me: Oh...

1. Me: All I have to write with is either a purple ink pen, a black sharpie, or a tube of mascara
2. Doops: I messaged you on fb
3. Me: Is it bad? because I have 2 hours of buttrobics ahead of me, and I have to focus on getting through that
4. Doops: ...oh...

...by comparison

1. Me: Isn't it a lady weekend in Ptown this weekend?
2. Sam: I think so. But I have no desire to flashback to collegiate foam parties. We ARE however, planning on whale watching. SHUT UP I CAN ALREADY HEAR YOUR SASS!
3. Me: I can just picture you two just beyond the motorcycles and subarus...in a long line of ladies waiting for a boat with a manatee painted on the side to dock, ready to take you out for a voyage.
4. Sam: And they're all like, 55 years old.
5. Me: ...and on the phone with their cat sitter, making sure 'everything is okay'.
6. Jana: We're going to look like the straightest people in the world by comparison.

I want my pink shirt back!

1. Me: Who will listen to me make up reasons to scam on that ginger?
2. Justin MD: I don't...
3. Me: ...he's seriously a younger hotter Kevin McKidd. This is God's humor; I'm single for 4 years and then find a ging attractive...this is concerning.
4. Justin MD: I'm concerned about who'll be my wingman and listen to me talk about the girls I nail the day after?
5. Me: Oh anyone will. Even most gay men have an odd obsession that I don't understand with breasts. They're just fat cells and mammary ducts. You try to act so innocent like, "Oh, I use to live in Africa with all the little birdies, and the little monkeys!"
6. Justin MD: It's not my fault you're like, in love with me, or something!
7. Me: See? That's the thing with you. You think everybody is in love with you when actually, everybody HATES you! I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! ...And I want my pink shirt back!

I gave up social drinking for Lent...

1. Greg: Can I get you something to something from the bar?
2. Me: Something non alcoholic please.
3. Bartender: yeah, something no alcohol? sure.
4. Me: Um, sir...this is just straight vodka with a maraschino cherry...

...We are awesome sensitive health care providers

1. Jessie: Chronic sounds like Crohns or something. Which is not sexy.
2. Me: No, it is not. My exgirlfriend has Crohns and when she had a flare up I was like, 'uh, this is not attractive. I def don't want to fuck you now.'
3. Jessie: OMG, I went on a date with a guy once who told me he had diverticulitises while eating popcorn, all I could think about was how his next few day were going to be like. ...it was the first date.
4. Me: Someone told me they had fibromyalgia. I said 'goodbye'.
5. Jessie: That means they are crazy!
6. Me: And whiny bitches.
7. Jessie: We are awesome sensitive health care providers.

1. Justin MD (picking up a penny): Ain't this some money handsome. Ain't this the panty anthem. Bounce.
2. Me (aside): Like your ass has the hiccups.
3. Justin MD (also aside): Bounce.
4. Me: Like we's ridin' in my pick uuuuuuup.
5. Justin MD: Bounce.
6. Me (no longer aside): Why's you lookin' so sad, you need to cheer up.
7. Justin MD: Bounce.
8. Me: I got the remedy. It's you on me, then me on you.
9. Justin MD: Then ya'll on me. Menage a trois.
10. Psych resident on duty (standing at desk behind us): Doctors...
11. Me (dancing): Hold up, hell naw like Britney Spears I wear no drawls. In the club I drink it up, got patron sippin' in my cup, hey, where's your man. Bet that I could make him love me. When he see this, he will wanna rush to get a quick touch of this big ole butt, big ole butt. Thick legs, big ole jugs legs stick like rims on the truck. Take 'em to the crib, yeah we goin' fuck. You could call me a freak, and I don't have to do much to make him get it up-up. Sum Yung Ho, she worth two dollars. I'm worth more dollars. I pop collars, c-c-collars. I don't buy shots, I only buy the bottles. Like a porn star I'm best when to swallow. BOOM!
12. PROD: Well I can see I will not be asking you to do anything other than those charts today...
13. Justin MD: Bounce!
14. Me (aside): Who knew I knew a chunk of that portion of the song.
15. Justin MD (also aside): Good instant memorization is a quality of a great doctor.
16. PROD: Do you know what else is a good quality? Following requests of your residents and attendings!
17. Me: Oh, I didn't know you were still here...
18. Justin MD and PROD: ...

1. Emily: I guess the cab driver did not kidnap you last night...I was a little concerned.
2. Me: I could have handled myself unless he had a gun. He was practically an Indian dwarf...I think he was sitting on a phone book.
3. Emily: LOL, an Indian dwarf.
4. Me: I need to learn the legal definitions between 'short', 'dwarf', and 'midget'.
5. Emily: Who cares. They should be glad you care to call them anything.
6. Me: ...no truer words could have capped that topic.

Talking about our new building security guards while working out...

1. Emily: What about that older woman who works nights?
2. Me: The rather quiet one?
3. Emily: Yes. She's downstairs working right now. I mean, what's she going to do if something happened?
4. Me: Maybe she's one of those old black women who are really hood and you don't know it.
5. Emily: HAHA! How would you know if she was?
6. Me: Why don't you put a ski mask on and run around the lobby to find out.
7. Emily: HAHA!
8. Me: Are we even working out?! I feel like we're just laying on these mats making fun of the security guards...
9. Emily: I've been working out...you're the one lounging back like you're on a beach somewhere waiting for a drink to be served to you...
10. Me: It wouldn't hurt this gym to get some daiquiris up in here. Just sayin'...

Why I love my E.D. nurse friends...

1. Drunk Patient: *gestures as though he's going to hit someone*
2. Rebekah: Now, we keep our hands to ourselves here.
3. DP: *looks to Emily* This blonde bitch can't do anything to me. *continues looking at Emily as he punches J.C. in the chest*
4. Rebekah: I asked you to only touch yourself sir. Please listen to the rules or we will have to call security and restrain you.
5. Emily: *puts on gloves and starts going through DP's bag and passing things to Rebekah*
6. Rebekah: Oh, I see you just got out of rehab this evening. It must have went well, you celebrated it by getting drunk and taking too much Xanax.
7. Emily: There's a 1/2 bottle of Smirnoff in here...
8. Rebekah: You won't be needing that while you're with us. *takes the bottle and dumps it down the sink next to the bed*
9. JC: Can I get a hand with the patient two beds down? She needs a foley put in. I'll hold her leg.
10. Rebekah: Hi, I'm Rebekah.
11. Old woman who needs a foley cath: *inaudible nonsense*
12. Rebekah: Would you like to hold your picture of Jesus as we do this?
13. Emily: Rebekah, I'm 20 feet away and I can hear you.
14. DP: Yeah bitch *throws something*
15. Rebekah: Sir, you cannot cuss here. You might offend some of the ladies. ...like Emily
16. DP: I have to pee and I don't need one of those piss tubes. *starts walking down the hall like a zombie and then proclaims to want to hug JC*
17. JC: *runs down the hallway from DP*
18. Rebekah: HAHA! Look at his little Filipino ass go!
19. Emily: Okay I'm calling security.

1. Me: I'm going to roll up in this joint with a bucket of fried chicken under my arm, grape kool-aid in my hand, and wave a drumstick in the air with my other for dramatic effect when I talk.
2. Will: I don't think...
3. Me: I'll do what I want, it's Black History Month motherfucker.

Basically.

1. Me (via phone): I'll let you go, what are you going to do for dinner?
2. Emily: I think I want pizza
3. Me: You just want pizza because I was talking about a recipe I want to try for us this weekend.
4. Emily: I wanted it before we started talking about pizza, but now that you mentioned it, I will take it as a sign.
5. Me: from God.
6. Emily: Basically.